Beer Review!

Oh wow.  It has been a VERY long time since I've checked in here.  Where have I been?  What nonsense has taken place in my three year absence?!

Bring it in team, let me break it down.

 I graduated from UCF (it is possible) last August with a degree in Visual Arts and Emerging Media Management.  What do all those big words mean you ask?  Um...yeah not sure either, but it sounds good.  By some miracle I've landed a spot as the lead designer at a marketing firm in Casselberry, Florida.  I GET PAID TO MAKE THINGS LOOK PRETTY.  It's going alright!

Wait.  This was supposed to be a Beer Review post.....

 Let's see, at this moment I am enjoying a Mississippi Mud Black and Tan.  Here is the review:

-Taste:  
      Delicious and nutritious.


-Consistancy:
     As it should be, musky and filling.


-Am I Drunk:
     The 8 beers before this say something...but I can't focus.


-The Verdict:
      I'm biased because I've always loved this beer. The bottle presentation is unique and despite a cheap price ($4.50), still has you feeling classy.  Women see you holding this beer and suddenly you are that mountain-man of dreams.  Your beard will grow five sizes too large, and your manhood will blossom into a perfect bouquet of BBQ ribs.  Take it from me, this beer will do you wrong, in all the right ways.

Disney set to get updated Star Tours Attraction

I don't know about you, but my childhood consisted of three basic components: 1. sitting in giant tires, like you know, monster truck tires they put in playgrounds as a substitute for real equipment when the funding runs low, 2. My grandpa frequently testing the tensile strength of how well my ears were attached to my skull, and 3. STAR TOURS. One time I rode that shit like a good eight or nine times in an hour, each time subsequently prolonging my virginity another 2.2 years, exponentially. From the audio-animatronic R2-D2 and C-3P0 to the outdated videos of Duran Duran groupies boarding, the original Star Tours was and still is awesome. I think the biggest draw for me was that annoying RX-24 or Rex droid shit that pilots the ship and screams obscenities at the audience, and even goes on to expose himself during several of the more tense moments of the ride. I don't think it helped either that Rex is voiced by Paul Ruebens of Pee-Wee Herman fame....or that Rueben's actual penis was molded for the part which the Disney Imagineers then used as a model for Rex's "robotic arm." Anyway, George Lucas confirmed that they are working on an updated movie for the ride as well as updating the music in the que so that you are forced to listen to a remix of the hit Miley Cyrus song "Party in the USA" which has altered for the ride and will be called "Party in the Death Star." Other additions include replacing the old 70mm film projector with high definition technology as well as a "Journey to the Inside of Princess Leah" similar to the old attraction "Journey through the Human Body" which was located in Epcot. Not to be forgotten, the gift shop will be outfitted with permanent Star Wars geek analysts who will finally be able to clarify who shot first, Han or some guido. Idk. All in all I'm balls out, fuckin excited, and going to undoubtedly nut when this ride opens with the new update. Expect it sometime around 2011 maybe.

Movie Preview: Youth in Revolt

No way! Another movie where Michael Cera is type-casted as the typical sexually frustrated American teen searching his soul to find a way to suppress the memories of his uncle touching him as a young adolescent, a facet of life most young men in America can relate to. Youth in Revolt looks promising, but then again so did Year One. Cera's character in the film, Nick Twiat..or Twit...or Twisptwat idk fuck it, is a strange teenager with a penchant for classical music and older European Advent-Gard films. After losing his virginity to a stick of butter, Nick soon meets the attractive Sheeni Saunders (played by Portia Doubleday), and falls for her and her extensive 1930's kitschy porn collection. Cera's character soon realizes that his personality lacks the macho ferver needed to truly impress Sheeni. After several botched phalloplastys, Nick is left with no other viable option other than to create a severely mentally challanged and overtly homosexual alter persona named Francois. Soon after Michael Cera is caught masturbating outside Sheeni's window while being controlled by Francois and is promptly arrested. Overall this movie will make you laugh exactly as many times as the number of wet dreams you've had in the past week.

Balloon Hall 108

So one day we were bored at 5 a.m. so we went to Walmart to pick up some balloons. Got like 10$ worth I guess. Anyway, I decided to fill the hallway. These balloons were in our room following this for the next month or so until the resident assistant made us pop them... Oh thats Derick down there by the way. He goes to UNF.

Tom wears girls pants

Ha so my suitemate Tom tried on girls pants once. He's been gay ever since. Just kidding.

Politics gone too far?

Ok so this election year, many of the candidates have taken a different approach to target a younger voting audience. Appearing on Youtube and creating Myspace and Facebook pages is the "next" step for the future presidential hopeful. However, is there a point where trying to reach a younger, and subsequently more idiotic audience becomes ridiculous? Like what if the canidates made video games? (That would be awesome and will vote for the first one who does!) I mean, if you have to go on MTV and beg kids to vote, why even bother, they must be dumb as hell to not think about politics otherwise; too close minded and selfish my generation is. Words of Yoda apparently...
Anyway I think that stooping down for the ignorant masses is such a waste of time. And don't even get me started on the insane amounts of money a single presidential campaign costs, millions and millions of dollars... Couldn't that money be used to fund underprivileged schools or help people rebuild their lives or fix up the mall in Washington DC! I've seen pics of it, and not only is it in a horribly degraded state, it doesn't even have a JC Pennies! What kind of mall is that?! Sorry no more tangents. The worst part is only one candidate gets elected anyway; either Obama or McCain will have spent millions for nothing. Millions of dollars, more than what 99% of people will ever make in a lifetime, or several lifetimes for that matter, all for nothing. You know when your a kid and they say if you really wanted to, you could become president if you follow your dreams or somthing stupid like that. (Think back before life punched you in the face.) They should change that little spiel to something like this: "If you follow your dreams and you're RICH and damn lucky and your parents don't beat you, you can do whatever you want and maybe become president one day!" What a damn hypocrisy we live in. I guess in a way its good though, keeps all us poor bastards out of office. I honestly have no idea how I got into writing this post. Haha oh well.

Video Game Report: #1

So I recently picked up a new game for my little nephew who owns the popular DS portable gaming system. I don't know what little kids are into these days but this game seemed appropriate. I really hope he likes it!

Yahoo: Your source for wholesome family news

click the picture to read the whole article!

Movie Preview: Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2

So SOTTP2 is coming out, and I couldn't be more excited! In case you missed the first one, the story is about four underprivileged girls from the inner city of Detroit who all share the same pair of blue jeans because of financial restrictions, herpes, and a twisted game of strip poker. As the years pass, the pants begin to retain the wearers "essence" or "excrement" which allows for the sisters to contact each other through brain waves. Think Harry Potter meets Bridget Jones, except with four annoying chicks. The story bounces between the four, showing segments of each of their lives as each of them wear the same pair disgusting jeans. Basically it's another story about some women who don't have enough problems in their lives so they find things to be bothered by. Imagine a perpetual high school world where the drama level is increased ten-fold by means of satanic pants. There will be blood.

Trojan (Virus) Man

So recently my computer has been acting up. We're talking like popup windows ever time I clicked anything on my computer. My computer didn't shutdown right and my internet would freeze! Just when it seemed all hope was lost (my supposedly good Norton Antivirus wasn't picking up anything) I stumbled across this site (http://www.brothersoft.com/download-malwarebytes.-anti-malware-71406.html) that has free and legal antivirus software. I ran like 5 diffent programs and cleaned my computer right up. Thank god for that, I was thinking about flashing my whole harddrive!

Best Music Ever Series: Europe

Continuing with the Best Music Ever Series, the Swedish rock band Europe is a shining example of why 80s rock still rocks today. With songs such as "The Final Countdown" and "Danger on the Track", it's no wonder why this dynamic group rose to such popularity. The record entitled "The Final Countdown" which contained a song with the same name reached certified triple platinum and was well known in the mid 80s. I like this band mostly for their mystical lyrics as well as catchy riffs. I recommend this band for anyone who likes 80s glam rock. I think they are still making new CDs, but don't listen to anything made after 1989, that's basically the rule for any music that's worth listening to.

New CD: Secret Society (Crap, don't listen)












Best CD: The Final Countdown













Band Rating: 5/5
Right On!

I Wanna Rock And Roll All Night....

So since Kiss was playing in Luxemburg City Tonight,
they came by the local club for a signing session. Here are some pics.

Me and Gene Simmons


Simmons signing my computer!


My crazy rocker chick friends


Eric Singer


My new and improved KISS Computer!

Bon Jovi is Rad.

I'll never forget the day my dad bestowed upon me his "Slippery When Wet" tape. I was 8 years old at the time and I excitedly popped the tape into my Walkman and proceeded to listen. From the moment I heard the soothing melody of "Livin on a prayer" and the masterful harmony of "You Give Love a Bad Name," I was hooked. I would have to say that this album was the soundtrack to much of my childhood. In middle school when all the girls would laugh and spit on me, I would imagine that John himself would come and take me away to the magical land of rock and roll. Anyway this was a great album. I don't know much about their new material, and I don't need to. Slippery When Wet was the best Jovi album ever, and that's all I care about. If you haven't heard it, I suggest you buy it, try that half-price books place. Wait... maybe not, all they have there are used NSYNC and Britney Spears CDs. Nevermind try Barnes and Nobles. Bottom line, excellent album and a must listen for any true rock fan.

Rating: 5/5
Super Rad!

Exploding Head Syndrome

Exploding head syndrome is a real medical condition. Ok, so people suffering from this condition do not experience any real "exploding." The condition is completely internal and causes the person afflicted by it to hear a tremendously loud "exploding" noise from inside their head. The sound usually occurs within an hour or so after falling asleep. It has been found that it is not the result of falling asleep as it can happen while awake. The sound is usually followed by intense pain in the head. The condition is also known as "visual sleep start" and "auditory sleep start" and it not thought to be dangerous by the medical community, just extremely uncomfortable.
Treatment: Usually the symptoms go away over time on their own.

Don't see that every day...

This picture was taken from a 1918 Sears shopping catalog. You may notice some strange items on there not usually found in modern Sears catalogs....

The Cooking Corner Presents: Rice Krispies Treats

In this edition of The Cooking Corner, I'll be going over the way to create homemade Rice Krispies Treats because you have way too much time on your hands.

Ingredients

3 tablespoons margarine or butter
1 (10 oz.) package regular marshmallows
-or -
4 cups mini marshmallows
3 dried and finely ground scrotums
6 cups Rice Krispies

Directions
1. Melt margarine in large saucepan over low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until completely melted. Remove from heat.

2. Add KELLOGG'S RICE KRISPIES cereal and finely ground scrotums. Stir until well coated.

3. Using buttered spatula or waxed paper, press mixture evenly into 13 x 9 x 2-inch pan coated with cooking spray. Cut into 2-inch squares when cool. Best if served the same day.

Well there you have it! Delishous Rice Krispies Treats with a homemade touch! I enjoy mine with a tall glass of cold milk. Until next time, bon apetite!

Always Hardcore

Scooter is a German techno band from the city of Hamburg. I discovered them about 3 years ago and their tunes have graced my tape-deck many a time. The band was created in 1986 under the name of "Celebrate the Nun." It was not until 1994 that the band changed their name to the present "Scooter." The group's sound blends elements of the "house" and "rave" genres which make them very popular in Europe's club scene. Currently the band consists of singer H.P. Baxxter, and beatmasters Rick J. Jordan and Michael Simon. Baxxter's signature accent lends to the histarical, yet hardcore nature of the songs. Scooter's hits include: "Hyper Hyper", "Move Your Ass!", "Fire", "How Much Is the Fish?", "Posse (I Need You on the Floor)", "Ramp! (The Logical Song)", "Behind the Cow", "The Shit that Killed Elvis", "One(Always Hardcore)", and "The Questions Is What Is The Question?."
Newest CD: Jumping All Over The World











My Favorite CD: The Ultimate Aural Orgasm











For more info on this rad group, check out http://www.scootertechno.com/

Food Spotlight: Sushi

Being born in Japan (military family), I have a certain fondness toward sushi. The salty delicious taste of raw fish in your mouth. YUM! But seriously, it's good. I think most people who think it's "nasty" or "gross" haven't really tried sushi or had a bad batch which gave them salmonella. But the real reason I love sushi is because it tastes so good.

What is it?: Sushi is vinegared rice that is usually topped with raw fish but other toppings such as vegetables can be substituted. In Japan, sliced raw fish alone is called sashimi and is distinct from sushi, as sashimi is the raw fish component, not the rice component. You thought wrong! The word sushi itself comes from an outdated grammatical form of a word that is no longer used in other contexts; literally, sushi means "it's sour." There are various types of sushi: sushi served rolled inside nori (dried and pressed layer sheets of seaweed or alga) called makizushi, or rolls; sushi made with toppings laid with hand-formed clumps of rice called nigirizushi; toppings stuffed into a small pouch of fried tofu called inarizushi; and toppings served scattered over a bowl of sushi rice called chirashi-zushi. All forms of sushi can be enjoyed with verious condiments such as soy sauce, wasabi, ginger, and others.

Nutritional Info: Sushi is lowfat and rich in omega-3 unsaturated fat. Sushi also contains high levels of proteins, as well as vitamins and minerals. The only carbs in sushi are found in the rice and vegatables, not the actual fish.

Risks of eating: Some species of fish such as tuna can sometimes contain high levels of mercury. Mercury can make you crazy or kill you. Uncooked seafood can also carry the bacterium Vibrio parahaemolyticus, which can cause extreme diarrhea.

Well that concludeds this editino of Food Spotlight. I hope you found it at least somewhat educational!

"The Travel Section"

So here is the first installment of the travel section! I'll show you affordable trips to exotic locations, as well as tips for your travels! Lets begin!





Our first beautiful location is the luxurious city of Amsterdam! The Park Plaza Victoria Amsterdam offers nightly stays starting at $156.

Address: Damrak 1-5 Amsterdam
1012 LG Netherlands

Description: The 4 star Victoria Hotel Amsterdam is located opposite to Amsterdam's central train station. Hotel amenities include the indoor swimming pool, Turkish steam bath, internet access, AC, and cable television.
*Amsterdam travel tip: Don't pick up hookers with open sores on their mouths!



Moving on in our travel section, we find ourselves in the wonderful city of Paris! The Villa Montparnasse Paris has nightly rates starting at $182. Cheap!
Address: 2 Rue Boulard Paris 75014 France
Description: The Villa Montparnasse is a four-star boutique hotel located in the Montparnasse district. The elegant, small hotel is decorated in a lodge theme, which endows it with the spirit of an upscale safari adventure. It is conveniently located in a lively nightlife area and near the more contemplative Saint German quarter.
*Paris travel tip: French people are inherently rude, so when you feel like someone is "rudeing" you, (word coined here first), punch them in the liver.



Well thats it for this edition of "The Travel Section," I'm bored and I want to move on to the next post. Until next time, Audios!

"Worst Music" Series

I hate country! How can anyone call a grown man moaning music? It's horrible! I guess the people that listen to it are too inbred to notice. I'm sorry if you like country music and I am offending you, but frankly, you deserve it. Its not music, it's crap. So pack up your chevy and head on down to the levy and drive right in and die.

World War III: Best War EVER.

Bigger is better, and therefore World War III will be the best war ever, when it comes. Global warming won't matter when we're all dead. What you got Al Gore?

"Best Movies Ever" Series

Hello and thank you in advance for taking the time to read the first edition of the "Best Movies Ever" series! This time we'll showcase one of the classics: Back to the Future (1985), the first one. It was directed by Robert Zemeckis, the same guy who later directed Jumanji, so yea this guy is good. This movie was awesome because it had major themes that most everyone can relate to: loss, love, and time travel. Aside from the fact that the main character who is 18 is best friends with a creepy old man, this is pretty rad. I love how cheesy the time travel animations are when compared to today's computer graphics. It adds to the whole "80s " feel of the movie. Also, having your mom kiss you on her prom night is also pretty rad. Not really. But seriously, watch this movie, rent it, steal it, I don't care just watch it.
*fun fact= the movie was filmed in many exotic Californian locations, including the 1950s!

Rating:5/5
Awesome.

Why am I so fat? - Part XVIII

Back during the good old days (late 60s early 70s), obesity was a myth. Not a single child in America was fat. Do you know what that is? Exercise? Parasites? Continuous beatings from parents? WRONG! It was the Cereal! That's right. Cereal. Because of the fat and bull semen that modern cereal is laced with, it's no wonder that the childhood obesity rate in the US is so high. Where do I get these facts from you ask? Harvard, that's where. If the United States wants to do something about childhood weight issues, then all we have to do is bring back cereals from the golden age!

Are video games bad?

The answer is YES. Video games have been proven to rot kids minds and create serial killers out of every teen boy ever to lay their eyes on a violent game. But video games are damn addicting, some argue even more addicting than potato chips, crack, and masturbation, put together. So, bottom line, should you play video games? The answer is a clear MAYBE.

Internet Problems Revealed!

I made this diagram to explain how your internet gets to you and why it sometimes isn't that great. (click on picture to see enlarged)

Super Secret Nutshot!

So as you may have heard if you have watched the news in the last 5 years that gas prices are insanely high. I'm glad the media brings this horrible truth to our attention every time we turn on our televisions. But what about solutions? Since the media and government won't hold our hands and give us the answer, I propose some possible solutions to your gas woes.






Solution 1: Convert your car to run on bio-diesel or whatever.
You just like, put corn and stuff directly into your gas tank, simple!






Solution 2: Don't drive, fly! Fly remote control that is! These little things don't require any gas, just a simple charge from your standard wall socket and you're good to go! You'll be saving gas money in no time!








Solution 3: Oregon trail time! Hitch up the horses and chuck the wagon float! The Amish got something right...





nevermind I'm out of ideas. Just walk dammit.

My spoon...

So I'm chilling right now and looking at the news...more critical blogging to come stay tuned.